Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Creationism: The Real Story
Creationism: 20,000 years ago God created the universe. He did Earth in 7 days---first he did the frame; then the water; then the dirt; then the air; then the trees and plants (the landscaping); then the animals, fishies and birdies; and then the guy and the girl, Adam and Eve, He named them.
He gave Adam a pee pee to make him a man. Adam got lonely, for obvious reasons; started to fall into a deep depression.
God took a rib from Adam. He ripped it right out of Adams chest; no anesthesia or nothing. God put it in some water with some Miracle Grow or something and he created Eve. This means that God Himself cloned Eve from Adam’s rib. God also liked to do “stem cell research” in His spare time. And to Eve, He gave a wee wee to make her a woman. He made them to be about 30 years old according to the most recently available photographs of them of which there are numerous reprints in most Christian schools.
The pee pee, in combination with the wee wee worked out good (or well, depending on the proper use of English). Adam could now be a man; and Eve was given the right to be a woman, if she behaved and didn’t get out of hand, or start to have hot flashes and freak out once a month.
God created the menstrual cycle for Eve. He gave her cramps. It was a mess. And sometimes Eve could be a real bitch. Adam could never understand it.
The menstrual cycle was one of God’s master achievements. The only way Eve could get rid of her damn menstrual cycle was to let Adam and his pee pee come in direct contact with her wee wee which resulted in her menstrual cycle shutting down for 9 months. However, the alternative of giving birth was hardly a welcome trade off.
The menstrual cycle was one of God’s crowning glories of mis-design----a true engineering disaster. It is responsible for more lost human productivity, lost wages, lost work, and spontaneous outbursts of rage and violence than any other of God’s mistakes. It does accomplish one very important thing----it keeps men “in check”. It is the one thing that makes a man “back off”-----a woman who can flip out for no reason. God was going to give Man a menstrual cycle also but when He drew up the plans, at the last minute, being that this was the time of Creationism, he decided to give Adam some testicles instead. God can do anything He wants. He’s God. So God just said, “Let there be a menstrual cycle” and it just happened. And then He said, “Let there be testicles” and it just happened. This is Creationism at its most basic. All Christians should be taught this.
Note: The human spine was God’s second biggest design failure. Some say that the real reason that God has not come back to Earth is because He would have a multi-trillion dollar, class action lawsuit slapped against Him for the almost criminally incompetent design of the human spine. Anyone who has taken Electricity 101 knows that you don’t snake a million little electrical wires (with no color codes) through a liquid medium where they come in contact with each other and with sharp objects like bones. I mean, what was God thinking ! Oh well, let’s get back to Adam and Eve.
Anyway, they lived near a big apple tree and a snake came by that was really the Devil but he spoke good English. The snake spoke to Eve and said, "Eat the apple if you want to be happy". The Devil was some kind of local fresh fruit salesman so Eve did not suspect that this was a trick to see if she could be lured into the mortal sin of eating an apple. She had also been told to eat lots of fruits and vegetables all her life (ever since she was Created at the age of 30), and to eat a balanced diet so she just did not know the snake was the Devil in disguise.. She thought it was just some ordinary snake giving her a hard time about not eating apples.
Eve tried to resist but how can you NOT eat an apple when a snake speaks real good English and tells you not to eat the apple. It's like telling a woman to NOT eat the chocolates on St. Valentines Day. Adam just stood around looking suspicious. So Eve went and took a bite out of the nice red apple.
At that point God got really mad because this was all just a "set up" to see if Eve, the one with the wee wee, could resist the commands of the Devil who was disguised as a snake. So God yelled out from up in Heaven, "Eve, you have sinned, you ate the feakin' apple".
Adam said, "Holy Shit, Eve, look what you've done now. Christ, our goose is cooked". God made Adam an accomplice of Eve's and He cast them out of the Garden of Eden which was a pretty nice garden back in those days (which is where the term "garden apartments comes from).
From there it was all down hill for the two of them. All of a sudden they had to start wearing clothes and stuff. Eve had two sons named Cain and Able (they didn't have last names because they were the first people on Earth and God didn't give them a birth certificate or anything; not even a Social Security number).
Eve never had any girls with wee wee's; just the two boys with the pee pee things. Figure that one out?
Cain got in a big fight with Able one day and Cain killed Able which enabled Jeffrey Archer, a British novelist, to write a best selling book and call it Cain and Able. I read the book. It was one of my favorite and it had nothing to do with Adam and Eve; just a story of two brothers.
Oh yeah, by this time Adam had been laid off from his job as "first human being on Earth, CEO"; God revoked his pension and cancelled his health care insurance (and they didn't have COBRA back in those days). He eventually got injured real bad when Eve clobbered him in a domestic dispute involving the two boys who were older now and still hadn't moved out of the house but were allegedly on drugs, using up what little money Adam had saved when he was employed as "first human being on Earth, CEO". Eventually, it is believed Adam and Eve got divorced. No one really knows how we evolved since that time since Evolution doesn’t exist, only Creationism, and God wasn't in the business of creating one person after another, after another, after another. It’s tiring. So God gave us two choices: we could use the wee wee and the pee pee to reproduce if we didn’t mind dealing with the whole menstrual cycle mess; or we could clone each other and keep it nice and clean and simple.
As humans we failed to discover cloning for thousands of years and so stuck with the old fashion routine of actual physical contact between pee pee and wee wee.
About 18,000 years later Jesus Christ was born. Jesus didn't have a father because his mother was a Virgin. The neighborhood decided to call her the Blessed Virgin Mary. No one could hardly believe it, so they started to make statues of Mary with little water plates on them so birds could come down and get a drink of water on the Mary statutes. Most of the Blessed Virgin Mary statutes are in the front yards of Italians living mainly on Long Island, New York today. No one knows why?
Oh yeah, Mary married a much older guy named Saint Joseph. He became a saint because he was old and Mary was pretty good looking and young. And Saint Joseph never had sex with Mary, even though she got pregnant. Saint Joseph was quiet. He never said much. No one knows where he worked. But one night he and Mary took off on a donkey to make a thousand mile trip through the desert. It was considered normal behavior back in those days. There was no "slow speed car chase" to head off Saint Joseph before he reached the Sinai/Egypt border.
Everyone just said, "Oh, there goes the older man with the pregnant teenage girl; off on a nice 1000 mile vacation on a donkey. Isn't that nice" The Blessed Virgin Mary tried to cover it all up because she knew she would be stoned to death if her folks ever found out she was pregnant. Rumors had it that Joe didn't even really do it. It was some teenager next door who was the real father of Jesus, but he took off like a "bat out of Hell" when Mary told him she had missed her period.
Then of course, the whole story got out of hand, which is where we are today.
And that's where the story ends of how God created the world. It's called Creationism.
Matthew: Psalm IV: Verse 24 from the Book of Creationism.
Luke: Psalm VXI: Verse 63 from the Book of Ludicrous.
Footnote: In the Bible, the word used for the pee pee was originally “the doodle” however, through the centuries “doodle” came to represent a word of vulgarity, hence, “doodle” is never, ever allowed---not in any version of the Bible and not even on TV during prime time hours.
Conclusion: Evolution can be proven because in the year 2000 we have electrical sockets and plugs called "the male plug" and "the female socket". These two items which can be purchased in any local Ace Hardware Store, evolved from Adam and Eve themselves. It is direct proof that the wee wee and the pee pee that God Himself designed and created at the time of Creationism eventually evolved through the process of Evolution into the modern day electrical apparatus. So, the next time you are in at Home Depot ask the clerk "can you tell my where I would find the pee pee and the wee wee" and they will know exactly what you are talking about. So help me God !